Its a Strange World: 10 Bizarre Things I've Encountered the Last 2 Weeks

In no particular order:

1. During the school's Eucharistic Procession, I saw some random stranger be let in, while students were kept from going out. I'm no pro, but doesn't security involve keeping people out, instead of keeping people in? There's only one place I know that uses that security scheme.*

They must be having a Eucharistic Procession too...

2. I saw a pro-contraception ("safe sex", whatever that is) party hosted by two candidates for the Darwin Awards. Natural selection at work?

Girl Host: So, you're a medical practitioner? Tell me, what does AIDS stand for?
Raffle Winner: Acquired Immune Deficiency Syndrome
Girl Host: Very good! You know about AIDS! May you have more clients in the future.
Guy Host: Yes!
Audience: [Inwardly Groaning]
Me: Morons....

3. After said party, I was out with my buddies when Iza Calzado walks by. Just behind her, I saw some douchebag walking two paces back stare at me, point at her and give me the "like my piece of poontang?" thumbs up. As I walk out, I see that the douche master is actually unaffiliated with the lovely Ms. Calzado.

No douchebags attached...for now...

4. I saw a five-minute atheist. Unbelief makes a brief, awkward cameo.

5. I've also seen a student-repellent teacher. Bok has been slated to give the Bodega writing lecture for three straight sessions now, but the newbies he was supposed to lecture to never showed. I thought it was just coincidence, until earlier today when Bok left, we decided to have someone else lecture next session. Two newbies promptly showed up, very late, but with perfect comic timing. Sorry, Bok McFly. He he he...

6. I heard a student ( a fairly young one) call me by my nickname. I suppose I should get used to it for now, but it still seemed surreal.

7. I watched a British actor playing an American character in an American TV series deliver a trademark British joke. Its kinda like the Downey Jr. / Lazarus "I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude!"

House: What else floats on water?
[Silence.]
House: The correct answer is...a duck.

8. I saw a meme with no questions. It's kinda weird. What makes a meme interesting is the responses various people have to questions posed over a wide array of respondents for comparison. The responses are mere phrase collections without the questions to give them context. As far as I can tell, it looks like a meme asking for a random list of names. Could be asking for a guy's rape list for all I know.

9. I heard teen girls squealing over a "vampire" movie with no discernible vampires.

Guy: Seen any vampires around here?
Girl: I've seen a sparkly fag. Does that count? No? Then, I haven't seen any.

10. I just heard "Animal Farm" translated as "Hacienda Animal". (Animal Property?) Now, I understand that some translation work is tricky. However, I question the prudence and translating chops of any translator who did not consider for even a second that translating a classic like "Animal Farm" into "Hacienda Animal" will invoke images of sweaty Mexican couples rolling in the hay. That is, after being kidnapped, lied to or having acid thrown on their faces before a bout of amnesia, etc. etc.

Self-Proclaimed Dramaturg Presents..."Hacienda Animal"...

Bluebell: I want puppies, Jess...
Jess: What if Napoleon finds out, mi amor? Dios mio, he might take our little perritos...
Bluebell: But what about our love?

______________________________

* Disclaimer: Jonathan Wolfe's opinions are not necessarily Jonathan Guillermo's...

[cross-posted at the Junkyard]

Filler

What do you call a Jewish woman's boobs?

Songs That Don't Make Sense

Joao once started this blog called "Songs That Make No Sense". Too bad it was rather stillborn. Still, I thought it was a good idea. I'm gonna post under this title the entries I would've made on that blog...

1. "Crazy" by Aerosmith

This is actually a good song. The problem with it is that the more you listen to it, the less sense it begins to make.

Come Here baby
You know you drive me up a wall the way you make good on all the
nasty tricks you pull
Seems like we're makin' up more than we're makin' love
And it always seems you got somn' on your mind other than me
Girl, you got to change your crazy ways
You hear me

Okay. So, the "nasty trick" here is that the girl is thinking of something other than poor Steven Tyler. Yeah, she actually has a working brain. What a nasty trick. So, in order to stop being crazy, she should give up on thinking and concentrate wholly on Steven. Sounds kinda...obsessive.

Say you're leavin' on a seven thirty train and that you're headin'
out to Hollywood
Girl you been givin' me that line so many times it kinda gets like
feelin' bad looks good

Let me see if I can get this straight. Every time the girl leaves Steven, she tells him she's going on the 7:30 train to Hollywood? What if she came back the next day? What, did she just miss the train? Does it have to be the 7:30 train? And why does Steven keep falling for such a stupid line? Assuming of course, they're in a place far from Hollywood. If they aren't, then agonizing over this line is pretty stupid.

That kinda lovin'
Turns a man to a slave
That kinda lovin'
Sends a man right to his grave...

Yeah. it'd really kill a man if a woman has more than two brain cells to spare on things other than him.

I go crazy, crazy, baby, I go crazy
You turn it on
Then you're gone
Yeah you drive me
Crazy, crazy, crazy, for you baby
What can I do, honey
I feel like the color blue...

Blah, blah, blah, crazy. Standard whine bitch moan. Then..."I feel like the color blue"? What the fuck is that supposed to mean? As opposed to feeling like the color fuchsia?

You're packin' up your stuff and talkin' like it's tough and tryin'
to tell me that it's time to go
But I know you ain't wearin' nothin' underneath that overcoat
And it's all a show

I wonder if that last line is supposed to work. Woman tries to leave Steven, and Steven makes the insinuation that she's gonna go out onto the street in the latest streaker gear. Way to flatter 'em Steven. I guess women's lib is all just a feisty ruse to Mr. Tyler. If we could only all afford to see it his way...

That kind of lovin'
Makes me wanna pull
Down the shade, yeah
That kind of lovin'
Yeah now I'm never, never, never, never gonna be the same
[Chorus]

"Pull down the shade"? Steven Tyler, sexagenarian vocalist or teenage Goth / Emo kid?

The rest of the song is variations of the chorus over and over, so we'll end the stupid here. All in all, the song gives off this creepy, possessive vibe common to most psychopathic serial domestic abusers. Bobby Brown must've loved this song.

2. "You're Beautiful" by James Blunt

This over-played little ballad, written to the delight of teenage girls everywhere, seems to have been phoned in by its writer.

My life is brilliant.

A bit presumptuous. aren't we?

My life is brilliant.
My love is pure.

Time for non-sequiturs.

I saw an angel.
Of that I'm sure.
She smiled at me on the subway.
She was with another man.
But I won't lose no sleep on that,
'Cause I've got a plan.

So, some girl smiles at him on a train. If I went swooning over every pretty girl with a smile on a train, I'd probably end up like James Blunt too... But, not to worry. James, unlike every other man who gets accidentally smiled at by women with their boyfriends in a train, is a man with a plan.

You're beautiful. You're beautiful.
You're beautiful, it's true.

You'd think a songwriter would have more words to say other than repeating "you're beautiful" a million times. At this point, I'd probably get him a thesaurus.

I saw your face in a crowded place,
And I don't know what to do,
'Cause I'll never be with you.

Wait, what the hell happened to the plan? What was the plan anyway? Scream "you're beautiful" at her until she gives up? What are you, five years old? Or is there another plan?

Yeah, she caught my eye,
As we walked on by.
She could see from my face that I was,
Fucking high

Is this the plan? Make yourself look like a repulsive little junkie? Yeah, that'll send her squealing into your arms, James. On the other hand, this probably explains how this song was written. So, shall we put this as exhibit one for the case against marijuana legalization?

And I don't think that I'll see her again,

No shit, Einstein.

But we shared a moment that will last till the end.

Or at least, until James puts the bong down.

[Above: *Looking at James Blunt* Is that guy fucking high?]

You're beautiful. You're beautiful.
You're beautiful, it's true.
I saw your face in a crowded place,
And I don't know what to do,
'Cause I'll never be with you.

James reverts back to shouting "you're beautiful" at her until she submits. Works every time...I guess?

You're beautiful. You're beautiful.
You're beautiful, it's true.

More of the same. Perseverance is the key, I suppose.

There must be an angel with a smile on her face,
When she thought up that I should be with you.

Sorry, James. It seems that the angel had other ideas when she was smiling. Because you being with her wasn't it. Or we wouldn't be listening to you whine about it.

But it's time to face the truth,
I will never be with you.

Translation: Plans are overrated anyway.

Wow...I can only imagine why this little turd burger lasted so long in the charts. Teenage girls must really really like inept man-boys like this guy. Or, Chris Rock must be a psychological genius when he said that women only needed three things: food, air and compliments. Even if its the same one over, and over, and over, and over ad nauseam.

[cross-posted over at Junkyard Wolf's Junkyard]

The Horatio Ratio: Season 7, Episode 1 - "Resurrection"

The Horatio Ratio for Season 7, Episode 1 (Resurrection):

Of the 43:23 running time of the episode, Horatio Caine was on screen for 7:55.

This means the ratio is 0.186 or 18.6% of the episode.

"Horatio" was said 23 times.

He was referred to as "H" 3 times.

Other allusions to his name (Lt. Caine, Caine, etc), 5 times.

A Second Dose of Brainfart from Hell

again, excerpts from a conference with Cima, Joao, Jonathan, AG, and myself...

Joao Atienza: that black chick looks like she has a 5ocklock shadow
Ronald Cimafranca: You're under arest!
Joao Atienza: 5oclock shadow
Ronald Cimafranca: That chick needs to shave.
Joao Atienza: the plot thickens
Ronald Cimafranca: Wow. Cutting edge transitions and editing... Breath-taking or nauseating? You decide.
bok_gil: what the heck are you guys talking about?!
Joao Atienza: csi miami
...
Ronald Cimafranca: Operation Black Market sounds like a retarded name.
Joao Atienza: exciting yan
Joao Atienza: hehe
Ronald Cimafranca: Why can't they come up with operation names like Mustang Flex or Block Party?
weretiger55: You expect the monkeys to come up with something better?
...
Ronald Cimafranca: Among the three CSI franchises, Miami has the greatest potential to be a first=person shooter game.
Angelo gian De Mesa: BWHAHAHAHA
weretiger55: it also has the least potential to be a crime-solving puzzle game
Joao Atienza: you won't need a god mode
Ronald Cimafranca: Like Max Payne, they all have special abilities. Horatio can magically appear out of thin air behind enemies and summon Dleko to take the hit for him.
Ronald Cimafranca: *Delko
weretiger55: Delko superpower is "meat Shield"?
Ronald Cimafranca: Yes.
...
Joao Atienza: oh oh oh oh
Joao Atienza: here it goes
Ronald Cimafranca: shit!
bok_gil: what happened?
Ronald Cimafranca: Caine just happened.
Joao Atienza: yyeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Nuttyness

if you know what this is, you're a hardcore gamer...

if you know that this character originally came from a series of books and NOT a TV series, you're reliving your childhood too much dude...

if you think that highschool fucking musical is the shit, then you're just nuts...and need professional help...

The fuss in China

People may wonder what the fuss is with China.

It may have to do with the Olypmics.

Or that they're the fastest growing economy in the world.

But let's face facts.

A sale in China is A SALE IN CHINA.
*it reads (more or less): formerly 98 Yuan, now only 9 Yuan.

Words: Then and Now

The word is "vampire".

So...

Vlad the Impaler, Prince of Wallachia and Scourge of the Turks, of "Dracula"?

Or Brad the "Impaler", prince of lonely goth girls, of every post-Anne Rice vampire novel?

On Hotels in China

Previously, I posted about lotions. Well... I took a second look at the... um... stash of random paraphernalia that was stocked on the bedside table, and I found...

Something that contains some mystery item.

I have no idea what this is called (or what it contains), but I can pretty much guess it ain't child-safe. Or work-safe.

Notable here is the phrase: "...it avoids pregnancy..."

What does that mean? For every Bob and Larry out there (I forgot the saying), it might mean that no woman's gonna get pregnant using the sex ring.

Yes. It's apparently a sex ring.

(If you don't know it by now, go back up and read the text on the box.)

And apparently, IT won't get pregnant. Your woman, however, probably will.

Good thing that just outside your hotel, there's.....

These people will make it a point to keep you away from Medicine that lies. There seems to be no subsections on lying doctors, however. So maybe it might be better if you just don't use the sex ring or the medicine... or better yet, throw it away so nobody ever does.

So you go to the garbage can...

But you never quite find out where to throw it, because...

Is the sex ring / condom a recycled item? If so... shit. If not.. you're still not gonna be able to throw it away. You could, maybe... throw yourself away. Or the woman. But not the sex ring.

So I guess you're stuck with it.

Ah, the Olympics...

All that athleticism in the Olympics has a tendency to leave its audience with muscle cramps gotten from all the hassle of just trying to get to the events.

Good thing there are items in any typical hotel room that should help.

Like the Man Lotion. But let's not be sexist, here.

Hence, the Woman Lotion.

Now that we have our lotion, we can squeeze them out of their unusual plastic packaging and get right down to....

Oh. Dear me.

...this... may not be the lotion that grocery stores pack....
Somebody dropped the ball on this one.


But that's not the only thing that person dropped.


Did you ever wonder why only McDonald's was the only food sponsor in the Olympics?

















Apparently, McDonald's didn't have much of a logistics problem.

If Horatio Caine Had to Fight Fire...

Here's what he would use...

It (Should Have Won) An Emmy

So there I was, enjoying a beautiful Sunday afternoon watching TV, watching a replay of the world's most popular program (according to a 2006 article reported by the BBC), CSI: Miami. (Quick aside: As you can deduce from this post and a previous one, this blog has a... "thing" for CSI: Miami. More about this in the future.) During the commercial break, the network trumpeted its lineup of shows that received nominations for the 60th Primetime Emmy Awards. Then came CSI: Crime Scene Investigation and CSI: NY, nominated for a couple of technical awards. And there I was thinking that CSI: Miami was coming up next, but it's name didn't come up. One of the first thoughts that came to my mind was complete and utter surprise. After all, to paraphrase Ricky Bobby, that show won an Emmy. For what, you ask me? For Best TV Show Ever Made, that's what. (For more Will Ferrell gems, click here.) The second thought was about whether the extra pancakes we had for breakfast were still good to eat. But all thoughts of hunger were swept from my mind by the egregious ("Egregious!" echoed Captain Jack Sparrow) snub by the Academy for Television Arts and Sciences. Not even one nomination for CSI: Miami this year. Hopefully, they realize the error of their ways next year and give the show its proper due. Or else, Miami justice will take its course.

And if you're curious, the episode I was watching featured a near-abduction of a child by a pedophile, sorry, Man-boy love, umm, advocate(?) And because we're big fans of promoting ourselves, I hope you enjoy this rant on NAMbLA. (Yes, the segue was weak and tenuous, but we love promoting ourselves, so there.)

Brainfarts from Hell

an abridged version of a longer YM conference

Ronald Cimafranca: The Bat-Sheba!
bok_gil: hahaaha!
bok_gil: the bat-sheba...
weretiger55: lol!
Ronald Cimafranca: Sheba was a queen of Ethiopia who saw her parents killed before her eyes after a royal ceremony.
Angelo gian De Mesa: hahaha
Ronald Cimafranca: She fell into a cave and was inspired by the bat to strike fear on evildoers.
Ronald Cimafranca: Archaeologists uncovered her chariot. Very cool, automatic spear-thrower, all that shit.

To Potential New Contributors...

Welcome to our little game...

[From left to right: Joao, Jonathan and Cima]

Hope you brought your own heat.

Oh, and we really like our Poker too.

And for some snotty, boys' club reason...

No blondes allowed...

So put the blonde down.

Thought For The Week

You can pick your friends.

You can pick your nose.

But you can't pick your friend's nose.

Geek: Is It In You?

Are you both insecure without your 20-sided dice AND hardcore?

Do you not care for feminine company at all? (or masculine, if a femi-geek)

Are you immune to the three words "what" "the" and "fuck"?

If the answer to all these questions is a high and shrilly "YES!!" (in all alien / quasi-mythological languages), then head on over here and grow yourself some elf ears.

Geek: When Real Life and D&D Collide, Something Has to Give....

Welcome!

The first, and hopefully, not the last post in this blog. Umm, more stuff to be posted in the coming days.