One Wrong Turn

Joao once started this blog called "Songs That Make No Sense". Too bad it was rather stillborn. Still, I thought it was a good idea. I'm gonna post under this title the entries I would've made on that blog...

1. "Crazy" by Aerosmith

This is actually a good song. The problem with it is that the more you listen to it, the less sense it begins to make.

Come Here baby
You know you drive me up a wall the way you make good on all the
nasty tricks you pull
Seems like we're makin' up more than we're makin' love
And it always seems you got somn' on your mind other than me
Girl, you got to change your crazy ways
You hear me

Okay. So, the "nasty trick" here is that the girl is thinking of something other than poor Steven Tyler. Yeah, she actually has a working brain. What a nasty trick. So, in order to stop being crazy, she should give up on thinking and concentrate wholly on Steven. Sounds kinda...obsessive.

Say you're leavin' on a seven thirty train and that you're headin'
out to Hollywood
Girl you been givin' me that line so many times it kinda gets like
feelin' bad looks good

Let me see if I can get this straight. Every time the girl leaves Steven, she tells him she's going on the 7:30 train to Hollywood? What if she came back the next day? What, did she just miss the train? Does it have to be the 7:30 train? And why does Steven keep falling for such a stupid line? Assuming of course, they're in a place far from Hollywood. If they aren't, then agonizing over this line is pretty stupid.

That kinda lovin'
Turns a man to a slave
That kinda lovin'
Sends a man right to his grave...

Yeah. it'd really kill a man if a woman has more than two brain cells to spare on things other than him.

I go crazy, crazy, baby, I go crazy
You turn it on
Then you're gone
Yeah you drive me
Crazy, crazy, crazy, for you baby
What can I do, honey
I feel like the color blue...

Blah, blah, blah, crazy. Standard whine bitch moan. Then..."I feel like the color blue"? What the fuck is that supposed to mean? As opposed to feeling like the color fuchsia?

You're packin' up your stuff and talkin' like it's tough and tryin'
to tell me that it's time to go
But I know you ain't wearin' nothin' underneath that overcoat
And it's all a show

I wonder if that last line is supposed to work. Woman tries to leave Steven, and Steven makes the insinuation that she's gonna go out onto the street in the latest streaker gear. Way to flatter 'em Steven. I guess women's lib is all just a feisty ruse to Mr. Tyler. If we could only all afford to see it his way...

That kind of lovin'
Makes me wanna pull
Down the shade, yeah
That kind of lovin'
Yeah now I'm never, never, never, never gonna be the same
[Chorus]

"Pull down the shade"? Steven Tyler, sexagenarian vocalist or teenage Goth / Emo kid?

The rest of the song is variations of the chorus over and over, so we'll end the stupid here. All in all, the song gives off this creepy, possessive vibe common to most psychopathic serial domestic abusers. Bobby Brown must've loved this song.

2. "You're Beautiful" by James Blunt

This over-played little ballad, written to the delight of teenage girls everywhere, seems to have been phoned in by its writer.

My life is brilliant.

A bit presumptuous. aren't we?

My life is brilliant.
My love is pure.

Time for non-sequiturs.

I saw an angel.
Of that I'm sure.
She smiled at me on the subway.
She was with another man.
But I won't lose no sleep on that,
'Cause I've got a plan.

So, some girl smiles at him on a train. If I went swooning over every pretty girl with a smile on a train, I'd probably end up like James Blunt too... But, not to worry. James, unlike every other man who gets accidentally smiled at by women with their boyfriends in a train, is a man with a plan.

You're beautiful. You're beautiful.
You're beautiful, it's true.

You'd think a songwriter would have more words to say other than repeating "you're beautiful" a million times. At this point, I'd probably get him a thesaurus.

I saw your face in a crowded place,
And I don't know what to do,
'Cause I'll never be with you.

Wait, what the hell happened to the plan? What was the plan anyway? Scream "you're beautiful" at her until she gives up? What are you, five years old? Or is there another plan?

Yeah, she caught my eye,
As we walked on by.
She could see from my face that I was,
Fucking high

Is this the plan? Make yourself look like a repulsive little junkie? Yeah, that'll send her squealing into your arms, James. On the other hand, this probably explains how this song was written. So, shall we put this as exhibit one for the case against marijuana legalization?

And I don't think that I'll see her again,

No shit, Einstein.

But we shared a moment that will last till the end.

Or at least, until James puts the bong down.

[Above: *Looking at James Blunt* Is that guy fucking high?]

You're beautiful. You're beautiful.
You're beautiful, it's true.
I saw your face in a crowded place,
And I don't know what to do,
'Cause I'll never be with you.

James reverts back to shouting "you're beautiful" at her until she submits. Works every time...I guess?

You're beautiful. You're beautiful.
You're beautiful, it's true.

More of the same. Perseverance is the key, I suppose.

There must be an angel with a smile on her face,
When she thought up that I should be with you.

Sorry, James. It seems that the angel had other ideas when she was smiling. Because you being with her wasn't it. Or we wouldn't be listening to you whine about it.

But it's time to face the truth,
I will never be with you.

Translation: Plans are overrated anyway.

Wow...I can only imagine why this little turd burger lasted so long in the charts. Teenage girls must really really like inept man-boys like this guy. Or, Chris Rock must be a psychological genius when he said that women only needed three things: food, air and compliments. Even if its the same one over, and over, and over, and over ad nauseam.

[cross-posted over at Junkyard Wolf's Junkyard]

again, excerpts from a conference with Cima, Joao, Jonathan, AG, and myself...

Joao Atienza: that black chick looks like she has a 5ocklock shadow
Ronald Cimafranca: You're under arest!
Joao Atienza: 5oclock shadow
Ronald Cimafranca: That chick needs to shave.
Joao Atienza: the plot thickens
Ronald Cimafranca: Wow. Cutting edge transitions and editing... Breath-taking or nauseating? You decide.
bok_gil: what the heck are you guys talking about?!
Joao Atienza: csi miami
...
Ronald Cimafranca: Operation Black Market sounds like a retarded name.
Joao Atienza: exciting yan
Joao Atienza: hehe
Ronald Cimafranca: Why can't they come up with operation names like Mustang Flex or Block Party?
weretiger55: You expect the monkeys to come up with something better?
...
Ronald Cimafranca: Among the three CSI franchises, Miami has the greatest potential to be a first=person shooter game.
Angelo gian De Mesa: BWHAHAHAHA
weretiger55: it also has the least potential to be a crime-solving puzzle game
Joao Atienza: you won't need a god mode
Ronald Cimafranca: Like Max Payne, they all have special abilities. Horatio can magically appear out of thin air behind enemies and summon Dleko to take the hit for him.
Ronald Cimafranca: *Delko
weretiger55: Delko superpower is "meat Shield"?
Ronald Cimafranca: Yes.
...
Joao Atienza: oh oh oh oh
Joao Atienza: here it goes
Ronald Cimafranca: shit!
bok_gil: what happened?
Ronald Cimafranca: Caine just happened.
Joao Atienza: yyeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh